hope
Posted on November 5, 2008 - Filed Under just sayin'
I don’t want to get too political here. But it’s hard not to acknowledge what took place last night.
I have hope. And it feels so good to be hopeful. But I know there’s a long road ahead of us. And I will hold this president accountable, just as I hold the outgoing president accountable.
It HAS been a long eight years. A HARD eight years. And just last night, listening to Obama’s speech did I really feel the weight of the last eight years. Because when you’re carrying a load so heavy, you just kind of get used to it. And now, knowing it doesn’t always have to be so, the gravity of it all got to me.
We can be the change we want to see in the world.
the bullet
Posted on October 2, 2008 - Filed Under just sayin', mommyhood
I’m still here. And we’re all doing well.
I’m just adjusting to life with two, trying to catch up on lost sleep, and savor every minute with both my children. Something about living life in the right now and not over-thinking things.
I’ve upped my Zoloft and started taking it in the evenings, it’s helping with the falling back asleep after waking to nurse or pump. I’m feeling better, more empowered and less…crazy.
Sam is doing fantastic in school, good reports each day. He’s even taken two short naps! Our refrigerator is crowded with all the fantastic art projects. After one month of school, we all seem to have adjusted. I enjoy my two days a week with Baby Clara. I’ll be the first to admit that we spend most of these days nursing and napping.
We spent the day at the Brooklyn Children’s Museum — and truth be told, we barely saw any of it as we spent almost two hours just in the water feature room, 40 minutes in the garden, and another 40 minutes playing the drums. We’ve had a nice visit with Grandma Lady as she stopped through New York on her way to Instanbul (not Con-stan-tin-ople!). And we left the baby not one night, not two nights, but THREE NIGHTS in a row. Last weekend Sam’s godfather got married and we attended the rehearsal dinner in Manhattan on Saturday night and then the wedding on Sunday (lovely!). Monday night, unfortunately, we attended Aunt K’s mother-in-law’s wake. After nine months of battling cancer, she passed away in her home surrounded by family. Her suffering is over. May she rest in peace.
So we’re still here. I’m just letting myself blog guilt free. Right now, I’m just trying to get into a daily pattern, to carve out some time for myself each day. I’ll be posting more regularly, I promise.
the state of the breast
Posted on September 18, 2008 - Filed Under blogger love, mommyhood
Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions about my boops. THIS is exactly why I heart the Interweb… yesterday morning I woke up to emails from a friend in Michigan who connected me with a LLL leader in her area and by noon I felt supported and like I had some idea as to what was going on.
And I heard from Susan at Toddler Planet with some sound advice about seeing my OB. And also sent along the link from the Worldwide Breast Cancer Project. You should all take some time today and and have a look at the twelve signs of breast cancer. Now please go examine your breasts.
And then I heard from Thrift Store Mama, who happened to stumble across my blog and my post. It was her suggestion to check out the International Lactation Consultant Association website that I found someone in my area who could see me first thing this morning.
And not a moment too soon, I might add. Last night I pumped blood from my right breast. Which, as shocking as it is to see, wasn’t nearly as shocking as it was the first time it happened when Sam was a newborn. Oddly, this time around, the pumping really wasn’t nearly as painful as it had been. I suspect I ruptured another blood vessel inside my breast, causing the bloody milk. Mmmm.
I am so so happy to say that there is nothing more going on that Clara changing her latch and causing some bruising on my nipple. The teeny-tiny blistery things seem to be some strange fat bubbles. It’s amazing how a slight change can cause So Much Pain. Clara and I were examined and no signs of thrush or mastitis or ductal infections exist. A few minor adjustments and we were nursing pain-free again. And Clara has more than doubled her birth weight and I was complemented on feeding my baby so well (YAY ME!). And her leg rolls, double chins, and delicious writst rolls were admired lovingly by me and impressed the doctor.
Thank you all so much for chiming in with your suggestions, thoughts, concern, and support. Your comments and emails really helped me feel less…helpless.
two steps forward, one step back
Posted on September 17, 2008 - Filed Under just sayin', mommyhood
First, I’d like to thank you all for your support and comments about Sam’s first experience at school. I have to say, you all were just as incensed as I was. It was a true test of will and patience and self-restraint to hold it together until Thursday afternoon’s pick-up.
And I’m happy to report that Sam had a MUCH better day at school. Conveniently, Sam pooped right at dismissal time, so I had to wait a minute for him to come out, giving the perfect opportunity to review his Daily Progress Sheet and then to have a chat with Miss Jen. I must say that Miss Jen was in a far better mood this Thursday — maybe because there were fewer children at dismissal time? She and I were able to talk and I reiterated that not only is this Sam’s first experience in any kind of structured environment, but that he was also a very bright, curious kid and it may take him a few days to catch on. Further, I felt it was important to make sure that we were getting the school experience that we were sold. And she wholeheartedly agreed. I am anxious to see how the coming weeks will go. I know Sam loves school because “Go to school?” is the second thing he says in the morning (the first is “Good morning Clara!“).
However, we didn’t have the chance to send Sam off to school this morning. Instead of packing up his lunch and waving bye-bye to my little boy, I had to call him out sick. The first of many times, I’m sure. Our poor boy sprang up a mystery fever on Sunday and now is mired in snot. Or, as he says “BIG BOOGERS!” So we layed low today and I am looking forward to school on Thursday.
Because, friends, I am exhausted.
I haven’t gone too deep into the nursing of the baby here. Mostly because I don’t want to jinx anything. But Clara is getting nice and chubby (wrist rolls!) and it’s all from mommy’s boops. Yay boops! However, it’s A LOT of work to get and keep the milk. I feel like I’m nursing that child 20 hours out of the day. I don’t mind. Well, I do. I miss having the freedom to move about my house. To roam the park and not be seated on a bench with my boop out. It’s not the boop part so much as the saddled down part. But I’m not complaining. Because I never got to have this experience with Sam. And it’s something I wanted so badly.
We’re happy that Clara is sleeping the night. She was doing so great, sleeping from around 8:00pm until about 7:3o the next morning. Huzzah! Yay for her. Me? I am still pumping every three hours and drinking enough water to fill a swimming pool (and subsequently, peeing equally as much). I know you’ll all chime in that if I just get the sleep my milk will automatically adjust to what she needs, but it doesn’t work that way for me. Sadly. It is so much work just to get the milk going in the first place (aforementioned guzzling of water, fenugreek, More Milk Plus, etc) that if I let it drop down, then I’m in baaad shape. My milk supply is so tenuous that one salty meal can almost completely wipe me out (so long Chinese food, sayonara snack bag-sized Baked Lays). I’ve skipped a few nights of pumping here and there, but it’s so much more work to get that milk back going… but holy crap. I am stoopid tired.
And then there’s the issue of maybe thrush (except: Clara isn’t showing any signs of thrush)? Maybe mastitis (except: no fever that I am sure of)? I can’t think of a time in my life that I was ever so familiar with my breasts. But let me tell you: my right boop is on fire! The latch is like a thousand tiny razors, or like the first weeks of nursing. And when I’m not nursing, the shooting pains, the burn inside…OY! I am Very Aware of my right boop/nip almost all the time. And then there are the weird teeny-tiny clusters of…I don’t know how to explain them. Blisters? Except not…blistery.
I don’t know who or if to call. I left a message for a contact at my local La Leche League. Conveniently they never called back. I am loathe to schlepp into the city to see my OB and, in hindsight, am feeling a bit let down by her and her dismissiveness of my concerns about depression (incidentally: week 4 of the Zoloft = improvement, but still not 100%). And my primary care physician? Love him, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t know thrush from his elbow. Unless his elbow had thrush and it was in a kidney (he’s a nephrologist and an internist, but emphasis on the nephrology. I don’t remember how we found him, but he’s been a great doctor. I just don’t see myself showing my ladies to him. Just sayin’.). So… Dr Google has sufficiently scared the bejeebus out of me and I’m convinced I have cancer, ebola, a tape worm, and am growing an eleventh toe. None of this changes the fact that my boop is hurty. Poor, poor, boop.
But listen, in the grand scheme of things? All of this is manageable. Please stop over and give my beloved Molly a hearty congratulations on the birth of her gorgeous daughter, Marin. Marin has a blocked kidney thing going on and it’s looking like she might need some surgery to help clear it up. Send your love and prayers on over towards Chicagoland.
And while you’re over in the midwest, make sure to stop by and congratulate Frema…she’s having a boy!
it was a tuesday morning.
Posted on September 11, 2008 - Filed Under time flies
Today I am thankful for my family. For my friends. For their love and support and the chance to grow and raise our families and be together and laugh and sing and share meals and wine. But seven years ago, I didn’t know just how lucky I would be.
I was uptown, at 52nd and 5th. I came out of the subway and bought a cup of coffee at the coffee cart. Someone said a plane had hit the World Trade Center. I laughed…how bad of a pilot do you have to be to fly your plane into one of the two tallest building in the city?
And then I crossed Fifth Avenue and looked downtown. The smoke. That was no small plane. That was no small accident.
From my office on the 18th floor, I watched in horror as the second plane hit. As the news reported a plane had also flown into the Pentagon. And then in field in Pennsylvania. We had heard reports about the Sears Tower in Chicago had been hit, that Los Angeles was hit. The chaos and fear and terror was overwhelming. And then the world came crashing down as we watched the towers fall. And then there was the silence.
I hid under my desk in disbelief — not fear that I would die, but fear that I would suffer another devastating loss, that my dear friend Amy was in the rubble. By the grace of God or whomever, my phone rang at it was she. She was standing in the lobby of my office building. Out breath, having run for her life from one end of the island to me. It was the worst possible day, but the best possible outcome.
I was there. I saw it. I smelled it. I heard it. I tasted it. I felt it. These are the memories, the scenes that will never leave your body, mind, or soul. Seven years later, the sounds of fire engines stop me dead in my tracks. The smell of burnt metal makes my eyes fill with tears. I can feel the collapse of my soul when I think about when I finally made it home, having walked from midtown to Brooklyn. I can feel the sensory memory in my body when I think about standing in the hallway near our kitchen and just crumpling to the ground. My fight-or-flight instinct gave way and I lay in a puddle of relief and confusion and fear and a distinct knowledge that life would never, ever be the same.
All those friends…all those I didn’t yet have a chance to meet. Gone. Ashes.
Cross-posted from New York City Moms Blog.
school daze
Posted on September 10, 2008 - Filed Under mommyhood
So the first day of school was… the first full day of school.
The Mistah and I took Sam to school at 7:00am yesterday. It was a relatively pain-free drop off, Sam was happy to play with all the new toys and friends. Just a short burst of tears when Poppa said goodbye. We shouldn’t have gone in with him, that was just a bad idea. Like pulling a Band Aid off, it’s best just to do it fast and get it over with.
At 3:15, Clara and I arrived to pick up Sam from his very first day. I love it when all the children coming filing out the door with the big smiles on their faces. Sam came out with his back pack on and when he saw me, he lit up and said “Hi Mommy!” It was the best, and in that moment I was so proud and could have burst into tears right there on the spot.
I got Sam settled into the stroller and spoke with his teacher, Miss Jen. After last week’s transition days, I decided I’d wait a little bit before deciding how I felt about her. Reserving judgement isn’t always the easiest thing for me. I will say that so far, I haven’t received a particularly warm feeling from her. She seems a little…over it. I asked Miss Jen how Sam’s day was and she sort of sighed. She said Sam was “challenging.” That he didn’t want to participate in the organized activities. He didn’t nap, instead she gave him a book. My immediate reaction was to be all, “It’s his first day of school! Give the kid a break!” Miss Jen said that they’ll work on him listening and following direction, but Sam was a bit “willfull.” The only thing I could say to that was that unfortanutely that runs in the family.
When we got home, I unpacked Sam’s backpack and found his school bus project (his first take-home art! Of course, it’s now properly displayed on the refridgerator.) and his daily progress report. It said that he was happy and played with friends when he got to school, but that he participated in none of the morning’s activities. He ate all of his lunch and participated in some of the afternoon’s activities.
What really stuck out was that in the section that described Sam’s behavior, Miss Jen circled that Sam was “uncooperative.” In the notes, she said that Sam loved to play by himself and with the other children but we would need to work on following directions and participating in activities.
This is Sam’s very first experience with any kind of out-of-home care. Most of his classmates are coming from other day care situations or participated in the school’s summer camp program and are familiar with the routines and the room. This is all new to Sam. As a parent, it’s very hard to hear anything but good things about your child.
It’s hard for me to accept these “observations” because they sure feel an awful lot like criticisms. I know I’m biased, but Sam is bright, curious, independent, and funny. Isn’t it Miss Jen’s job to get to know Sam and find a way to work with him to help him succeed? I spoke with both my mother- and sister-in-law, both who are in the early childhood education field, and both were shocked by the use of the words “challenging,” “willfull,” and “uncooperative.” Especially for the first day of school. Aunt K specifically said she’d prefer a kid who was happy and liked to play over a kid who cried all day.
When we toured the school and signed Sam up for the year (back in January), the director explained that they are flexible and work with the kids. That they don’t expect the children to sit for circle time or pariticpate in activities right away. That the structure would exist around them until they were ready to follow suit. This was an important factor for us, because we knew it would take Sam a little while to get used to any form of structured day. So to hear that he was uncooperative or didn’t participate as negatives seems to directly contradict the philosophy we thought we were entering.
I heard a story the other day from my mother-in-law about The Mistah: he is a preschool drop out. Last night, The Mistah was telling me that he still remembers being dropped off for his first day of schoool, standing at the window and watching his mother drive off in the station wagon. While we’re sure that Sam didn’t have that kind of experience, we’re going to take a wait-and-see approach to school. We both feel that school is a great place for Sam, that he will really thrive from the structure and being with his peers, learning from others.
I feel disappointed, a little let down by the teacher, and a bit defeated. I understand fully that it’s only one day — and that there will be both good and bad days. We’ll give it a few weeks to see if Sam settles in to the routine. But we’re not entirely opposed to pulling him from the school and trying again next year. We’re hopeful that this will turn around and Sam will thrive in the environment. It’s hard enough for us to think about him in a new and strange place, that we aren’t there to comfort to him when he feels scared or confused or tired or frustrated. What I’d really like to see from Miss Jen is some compassion and understanding, some empathy, some willingness to recognize Sam for what he is: an active, independent, smart two-and-a-half year old.
Did you have similar experiences with your children when they first started school? What are your thoughts or recommendations? How do you deal with teachers?
stop on by
Posted on September 5, 2008 - Filed Under blogger love
I’m over at the New York City Moms Blog today.
Stop by to read about Sam’s first taste of school.
what i did during my summer vacation
Posted on September 2, 2008 - Filed Under time flies, mommyhood
So today is the first day of school for The Mistah, he’s got kids and classes to teach and the kids and I miss our fun-filled days at the park and adventures of this past summer. We all feel like we could really use another six weeks of summer… especially me. I feel like I’ve missed the missed whole summer. Seriously, I just blinked and it’s September.
I blame it on having a baby in June and then the 6 weeks of hormonal crashing and the crazy and the getting used to life with a newborn. Clara is 11 weeks old now and I can hardly believe it…she’s losing her newborn-ness and turning into an infant before my very eyes. I don’t remember time flying by so quickly when Sam was a baby. Maybe it was, but I certainly didn’t have anything to compare it to.
Last week my brother, Uncle J, was here for a visit. We all had so much fun. He arrived on the Saturday morning and it took Sam only about 15 minutes to warm up to Uncle J and the two were immediately best buddies. The last time my brother saw Sam was last October, and there’s been a whole lot of growing in these last 10 months. Sam has turned into such a little dude: he talks up a storm and rarely sits still. He has such a sense of adventure and curiosity and is quite the mimic. I had such a great time watching my brother and Sam play and have fun. I’m sure Uncle J is feeling a bit wiped out, as Sam had him running all over the playground.
In our week of visiting, we were at the park almost every day and for hours upon hours. On the Sunday, Uncle J, The Mistah, Sam, and Sam’s great-grandfather–PopPop–went to the Mets game where Sam sat for 10 innings and cheered for the home team. And during the few moments where Sam got a little restless, he watched the planes taking off and landing at nearby LaGuardia. And they ate some ice cream.
We also went the Bronx Zoo and saw all kinds of crazy animals. But that was the day that my newborn became an infant, in my eyes. Clara was no longer loving lying down in her part of our Phil & Ted’s double stroller. No, she wanted to Sit Up. And we quickly made that conversion somewhere between the bears and the monkeys and, friends, I nearly wept. MAH BAYBEEEE.
Tomorrow, Sam begins his very first school experience. We have a meet-the-teacher in the morning, and then on both Thursday and Friday we have an immersion program in which Sam gets to check out his nursery school. Starting next week, he’ll be in school two days a week. I think he’ll really love it and I’m not really worried about him adjusting. He’s a very social little boy and loves to be around kids his own age. He’ll be making new friends and experiencing new things.
I am a little sad to send him off, but I know it’s the right thing for both of us. But for two years it’s been Sam and I, every day. Of course we’ve had Poppa home before more of our friend’s dads are home and two wonderful summers with Poppa home to play and help out, I know I am so lucky to have that. But it’s been just the two of us, I’ve taught him so much.
Today we were looking at the screen saver of The Mistah’s computer, which is set to be a slideshow. Sam was identifying himself and his friends and asking “What’s that?” and I could tell him a little story about every single picture. I remember exactly where we were and what we were doing and who we were with and probably what he had for lunch that particular day. Wasn’t it just last week that he was in his exersaucer? Wasn’t it last weekend that he was learning how to crawl and only went around the room skootching backwards, right under the Christmas tree? I hear him say things like, “Did you have fun?” and “Yay! Friends!” and I know I taught him these things.
So, with some anxiety and lots of excitement, I send him off to school with his big boy backpack and lunch box and wait for him to bring home his first macaroni art. I am so proud to have been his first and most important teacher.
Sam at 4 months
*****
If you’ve been reading me in your feed reader and haven’t been getting updates, you might want to reload your subscription. I don’t know what’s happened, but I’ve heard from a few folks that both Google Reader and Bloglines haven’t been updating for me. Poopy on them.
betchfest
Posted on August 28, 2008 - Filed Under blogger love
Have you heard about the betchfest?
Over the long weekend, I’ll be hosting an opportunity for a fellow unnamed blogger to have an open forum to get a few things off her chest. Completely anonymously.
We all have those things we really want to write about, whether it’s about our boss, husband, mother, mother-in-law, whatever. Usually it’s not a subject we can blog about freely on our own blogs. So, the betchfest is offering a weekend-long blogswap wherein a space is provided for some truly uncensored, messy, honesty.
The betchfest is the brainchild of Catherine and, as she says,”sometimes, you can’t vent openly - that is, yell at people to their faces, or, say, rant freely on your blog - without risking big trouble.” So here’s that opportunity. Please check in over the weekend and lend your support to our fellow anonymous blogger.
filler
Posted on August 28, 2008 - Filed Under just sayin'
We’ve been enjoying The Mistah’s last week of summer vacation (in fact, he went back to work today, his birthday. Boo having to work on your birthday) and a nice, long visit with Uncle J.
The week has been fun and busy and has included a trip to watch the Mets lose play a game in their final season at Shea Stadium, a great day at the Bronx Zoo, hours upon hours at the park and a lot of laughs. I’ll update soon. Once I can get my head around the whole two-kids-husband-back-to-work concept.
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